At 35, I froze my eggs. It was a gift to my future self - a way to keep a door open that I wasn’t ready to walk through yet. I couldn’t see what the future would look like, but I hoped it would include parenthood.
Over the next five years, life happened. I had relationships, continued my career, experenced personal growth through the rest of my thirties until I was eventually the “future-me” I’d frozen my eggs for.
One day, a few months after I turned 40, a colleague who was about a decade older than me asked me if I wanted kids. At that point, without a partner, I needed to figure out if it was even a possibility. I said, after some hesitation, “I’m not sure…”
“You could be a single mom, that’s what I did,” she offered. She was a single mom by choice, or “SMC”. I had heard of people pursuing solo parenthood through adoption, sperm/egg donation, surrogacy, foster parenting, plus those who opted to go through an unplanned pregnancy without the biological partner. But, despite all the paths out there, my personal exposure to each one was very limited. I had never known a SMC personally.
Without an example to follow, how could I learn first hand what it was like? Every time I tried to imagine it, my mind hit a brick wall made of thoughts like, “I can’t afford it”; “I’d never date again”; “there would never be enough time”; and, the worst one - “wouldn’t that mess up my kid?”
I asked my colleague without hesitation, “Can we talk and walk…?”
The next day we were in an arboretum and I asked so many questions - ones I’d worried over for months, and others that I didn’t know I had until that moment. I asked about fertility logistics, emotional support, finances, breastfeeding, dating, childcare, work. I wanted as many details of her story as possible. How did she do it? Could I do it, too?
That conversation changed everything - and it took more than one chat. For the next six months I was a “thinker.” I read, perused sperm banks, met up with other SMCs who took me under their wing (and are still close friends). More generally, I worked on nourishing my community.
In retrospect, the whole process was to build a safe, secure social-nest for my future family to thrive. Single parenthood is not a solitary activity. It is, in fact, the very opposite.
When I started my fertility process, I kept things very quiet at first. Only my fellow SMC friends and my parents knew that I was trying. Everyone does this differently and there’s no “right” way other than what feels comfortable. Even when I became pregnant (about a year after that first conversation), it was very private until the second trimester.
Since the pregnancy announcement I’ve experienced support I didn’t know was possible.
My friends and family are the backbone of this journey - more so than I ever even dreamed. I have been gifted a flood of baby accessories, offers to help with childcare, offers to help with transportation, and most importantly what seems like a perpetual stream of love and happiness for this upcoming phase of life.
In addition to my personal community, Mahmee has become another layer of that support system, providing both emotional support and very practical help related to preparing for my birth. My doula at Mahmee has been incredible, and has helped me feel empowered every step of the way.
Who will be in the room when the baby comes? The Mahmee doula, of course! I also chose a close friend as well as my mom to be my primary birth partners. In addition, three dear friends are my “pinch hitters” in case someone needs a break or an emergency comes up.
I am figuring things out as I go along since everything is brand new, which is true for all parents.
If you’re also an SMC like me, know that you are not alone, just like I wasn’t. And - in that same spirit - soon you’ll be two, and it will be the most wonderful moment of your life!
